2012

In the English alphabet, the letter H precedes I. A is before B. And L prior to M. So, riffing off of the world's largest technology company at the time, Arthur C. Clarke named the villain in 2001: A Space Odyssey, H.A.L. As Captain David Bowman re-enacts the John Henry legend, pitting humanity's ability to innovate against the most recent pinnacle in human innovation, Clarke affirms faith in humanity, and gives his fable a happy ending in the form of Captain Bowman's victory over the diabolical HAL.
Bowman's victory has cosmic ramifications, which are expanded in Clarke's sequel 2010, in which Jupiter becomes a second sun. In 2012, JCN [pronounced Zhaitzk-elle-wing], a Tibetan monk with a secret fascination with astronomy, discovers a new ocean, right there in the Himalayas. This ocean, referred to in the film as the Guatama Depths, is first thought to be a miracle that will free Zetzelwink's people from their Chinese oppressors. But as the Tibetans rush to the hidden sea, something big splashes in the water. At first we don't know what- was it an avalanche? A Chinese warhead? A Yehti bellyflopping off of Everest [spoiler alert: sort of]?- but whatever the splash is, it buries the world in water.
Playing the modern day Noah is John Cusak. He's so likeable. But he's just not getting the roles in good films anymore. And 2012 is no exception. He has problems with his daughter. He has problems with his job. His Cialis keeps activating at inappropriate moments ("We're all gonna die!"=Shwing!?).
As audience members, we feel safe enough to prefer the spectacle of disaster over the safety of the poorly drawn characters, but you may find yourself noticing that these characters are provided with a surprising amount of background info, so why are they still poorly drawn? Well, for one thing, just because you know exactly what kind of house somebody has, and you are given glimpses into some wrenching emotional moments during yet another failed attempt to have a family meeting, you don't know who it was who hijacked said meeting by bursting into tears, only that it involved a letter from Switzerland. Such enigmatic moments don't cause you to worry about this family that can't meet successfully dying out beneath the Sea of Siddhartha.
Eventually, John Cusak meets up with Kvetchenweiner, who is airlifted from his dry point atop the Himalayas and brought to where a wooden basketball court has been skewered by the Chrysler building to act as a platform for New Yorkers who can't swim. I wasn't sure whether we were to infer that John Cusak couldn't swim either, or whether he just received the great Tibetan astronomer under false pretenses (and I mean, who can't wave his arms around and go "Help! I can't swim! Help! Help!"?); but at this point, all that matters is that disparate cultures are united by the need to live on land instead of under Lake Buddha.
I don't want to ruin the ending, but nor do I want to suggest that none of the characters discover they have gills either. The point is that heartfelt handshakes and the immediate agreement to drop any cultural barriers and work together to save all of humanity not perched on the basketball court impaled by the Chrysler Building are not nearly as cool as a big tidal wave. So I'm glad the Yethi busted that can-opener.
Nonetheless, this movie lacked one thing that every movie needs: hot babes with urges buried under an iron will to maintain ladylike behavior under the most dire of circumstances. Barring this, movies need sluts with self-esteem. But this movie had neither. Minus one star.

Two stars.