Sonic the Hedgehog

Making a biopic about Ron Jeremy is a risky prospect. Depict his exploits vividly, and your ticket-buying audience dwindles to people who still pay for that sort of entertainment. Sanitize the life of one of the few male adult film stars that people have heard of and the theater staff has an even easier clean-up job. But hey, the Artist won lots of awards without a word of dialogue. So who's to say you can't save money on cameras and sets by having a Ron Jeremy biopic that is entirely audio. I've always been skeptical of hiring celebrities for voiceover work because, who cares what they look like when we don't see them. But reader, skeptical as I was, Joan Plowright can moan her ass off! There's always an assumption that Jews of note grew up in New York. Maybe there's not. But Ron Jeremy grew up in Maryland. And according to Sonic the Hedgehog, he was making $5,000 per week by the time he was 12, not by doing anything with his penis, but by rubbing things against his hairy back until they were so bristling with static electricity that he could short out the whole town just by throwing his teddy bear Yoinks at the nearest transformer. So they paid him not to do that. But one day, some anti-semitic classmates played a trick on him by telling him there was whipped cream inside of the nose on a pair of Groucho glasses. But it was glue. Any viewer/listener would then assume that's the provenance of Mr. Jeremy's trademark mustache. But no. The glue stuffed his nose so thoroughly that he had to dunk his head into scalding water just to melt the glue off. The doctor told him he may never grow facial hair. So he began masturbating. 10, 12, 15 times a day. He already had a hair back, but how he was like his own biosphere. I don't know what a biosphere is. But anyway, Christopher Meloni brings all the gravitas and pathos to this role that he brought for years to his beloved detective who never solved enough crimes to chase his demons away. He plays Ron Jeremy's good friend Delmont, and everytime he walks in on Ron Jeremy, protrayed astonishingly by Arsenio Hall, while he's trying to spank a mustache out of his face through his johnson, he is the model of discretion. There are many ladies in Ron Jeremy's life, some of whom tolerate his professional exploits, but at what cost? At what cost? Hillary Swank plays his 15th wife Mozie and she is a peach. And she doesn't mind the cavalcade of other partners in her man's life, but eventually she warns him to stop making puns with her name but he just can't help himself and so she has no choice but to follow through on her threat. Or where would she be? Where would she be? And that's when the story takes its obligatory biopic self-destructive turn. Ron Jeremy starts to direct his own movies. He decides to place his first one in a barber shop, but when he yells cut, a tragedy ensues that haunts him forever. But a little crippled child helps him find redemption and humility because the little crippled child has a shvantz that puts the Hedgehog's to shame. It's a feelprettygood story. One and a half stars.